Whom

In this obolistic post, I shall endeavor to work through a small puzzle that has haunted me for years. How is it possible that I can dream so vividly that I wake up shaking from the nightmare? How can I possibly dream of my dad dying, my brother accumulating over 220,000 dollars of debt from a catholic missionary trip to India of which i knew nothing about until he told me in the basement attic of my mom's old house?

I will further this by stating that I forget the minute details about 15 minutes after I had the dream, and in the morning scarecely remembered it at all. And, 220,000 dollars? Who comes up with that specific number? Is it significant? Why do we dream in specifics, forget the details and imagine such worst case scenarios for ourselves?

Scientificially (pushes up glasses on nose), we are told that we dream the accumalation of our thoughts, fears, and emotions, and our brain tries to make sense of them. To this I say, my mind didn't make sense of anything. At all. So, *debunkd*.

Logically, I must understand this not to be a vision, or a reality, but merely a dream. And yet, it was such a bad dream, such an incomprehensible nightmare.

The mind is deep and strange; it has emptiness, but it is not empty. It has silence, but it is not silent. It is teeming with little memories, jarring, and sweet, damaging and loud. The mind does not allow you to go gentle into still sleep. It is like a concert, and you are on stage, and every little thought is shining its light at you to get your attention. 

The mind is strange and curious, with carnivals, and old lovers and smoky cigars and uncles who ask too much. The mind brings up old embarrassments, and smells and then reminds you of the present one too many times.

The mind is brainwashed, when properly cleaned. But at night, and in those calm inbetween times, it fills you with regrets, and hurts and little reminders you will never change. 

And then work begins, and school starts and the water balloon fight happens and the mind slinks away to the small corner of your incredible powerful and creative brain. And that is where our reality begins.